Life Without Socks

The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker?

Relationships.

It's hard to know how to pick the perfect mate, as a matter of fact, it's damn near impossible. First, your eyes are setting you up by going "hmmm, she's perfect" well, I've got news for you, your eyes know nothing. All they ever want to do is look. They don't want to talk, dream, touch or be touched or be served coffee in the morning. Also, the eyes are total assholes- they will turn on you faster than anything. Take the first morning you see something the eyes have had the deciding vote on, get up, out of bed, sans nothing including combed hair, brushed teeth, or clothes. If it doesn't work for the eyes at that point- they run interference with the whole rest of the body. The ears can't hear a thing, the stomach is churning relentlessly, the heart is stopping on and off and the head is going through dread-lock.. that's a term of dread, not a hairdoo. The eyes have made a pact with the mouth just to get her out of here. The mouth engages "well, I guess you best be off to work, I know I have a long day- I'll call you." The body is now assisting the eyes by ushering (USHERING?) the poor girl out of the door. Bad scenario. This is why the eyes should not be allowed to vote.

Same with the ears. The ears will listen to anything. The woman has no home, no car, and no clean clothes. The ears hear her say sweetly, softly, and with a voice like honey "I've had some recent hard times, but I just got a phone interview yesterday for a great job and they've asked me to come in this week. I just need a friend to help me out." Your ears are hearing seduction. They enlist the eyes at this point (who were not allowed to vote, but got shuttled in through the back door by the ears) "Nice, sweet" shout the eyes. The brain picks it up. "Sweet? Sweet? Like babies and Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm? WE should help her by falling in love with her!" "Falling in love? I LOVE TO BE IN LOVE." the heart is immediately on board and when the heart is on board- the libido is in the life raft rowing right beside. She moves in and three weeks later she is still watching soap operas on your couch. Plus, there is not as much "intimacy" as the libido thought. Libido starts the rumblings "Kick her out, she's a freeloader!" The eyes pick it up "yeah, and she don't look so good." The heart is more reluctant "Aren't we in love, won't we get married and live together forever?" The mind has a different opinion now, based on sneaky found facts. "Wise up simpleton, she's had other girls here while we've been to work, you've pulled out your wallet one to many time with no reciprocation. Dump her."

Next we turn to the heart who botches up everything. The heart picks out someone who can't be loved, but should be. The eyes like her, the ears like her, the mind knows it ain't going to happen and the libido is utterly frustrated. This unrequited love, but with fringe flirts, can go on for months or years. The eyes do start to wander- they need immediate gratification and the libido pays them to see what else is out there. The ears join in half the time- listening for signs of attraction from someone new, but the other half of the time, working for the heart which is hoping for a sign to say she's starting to swing their way. Finally the mind has to put a stop to it, using the old "there are other fish out in the sea" message along with " we are losing everything holding on to this dream". Since everyone besides the heart is bored- there is a mutiny and the woman who can't be loved, but should be, is gone.

Finally, it is the mind's turn. The mind rejects the eyes jumping up and down at every nice pair of eyes, legs, dance moves, hair, smile. The mind logs in those things to a central data base. The mind uses the ears to record answers- not just voice tones. "how do you feel about children? Do you have a job? A car? A lover? The ears record answers for the mind. The mind put's the libido on hold pointing out the fine messes that it has gotten them into before. The libido isn't happy, but is forced to keep it's opinions to itself. Finally the mind consults with the heart. Well, the heart always wants what the heart wants. There is always a dialogue. Sometimes the mind wins, at which time there is a mutually respectful, loving, healthy relationship in which the heart can also thrive. Sometimes the heart overrides the mind in which case the mind leaves a diary, makes sure a will is in order and has the body take martial arts (just in case) you see, the heart is a fighter- physical, emotional and everything in between. If the heart has dictated the relationship, the mind works overtime to make sure that all thought, research and knowledge as to what to expect is in place. The mind is no fool- but sometimes the mind snaps. Okay, a lot of times the mind snaps. So, reviewing everything possible to insure relationship success- what is the most plausible chance to achieve Nirvana? You're asking me? After 7 or 8 eye relationships, 4 or 5 ear ones, 5-6 libido relationships (give or take a few), one mind one (boring) and 3 or 4 hearts where I nearly died, you're asking me. After all of these relationships and all of these years my best advice: arranged marriages. Good Luck- and if you have a better formula, do write in.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Hmmm.

I guess I should have seen it coming. I guess I should have been prepared. When my son was a tiny baby, I was. I had all of the right answers then- "it should be your choice", "I did the research", "Other men said...", all of those answers and more seemed good enough at the time.  And then the years flew by. I forgot about the day that might- no would- inevitably come. I had a girl-child and began to think about the big menstrual talk. My son's little "issue" just slipped my mind, and as he grew up, the few days preceding his birth grew faint in my mind.

Until last month. It happened last month. It shouldn't have happened last month, I was still on vacation. Things like this should not come up on vacation, but low-and-behold, there we were in the low light of a beautiful sunset when my now nearly 15-year old son destroyed my serenity just as the sun disappeared (perhaps forever?) over the RV camp across the road.

Mom, why didn't you circumcise me?

He said it as an accusation rather than a question. I was taken aback- my mind reeled. Shouldn't we be past that point? Shouldn't we have moved forward with things like career choices, colleges to attend, the possibility of balding in his later years? Any conversation but this?

Mom, did you hear me?

My God! Did I hear him? It was like a sonic boom to my soul. My son was asking me why I hadn't clipped off the tip of his penis! That isn't something you don't hear. That is something you hear with every cell in your reluctant body. That is something you will keep hearing each night you lay down to sleep, each time there is a pause between songs on the radio, each time someone says circumvent, circle, certainty, and certs with retsin. Yes, I had heard him. "Well", I said, and then I forgot. I FORGOT THE BLOODY ANSWERS! All of the answers that I had practiced when he was a newborn babe had completely left my head! He was 15. I didn't want to have a talk with a 15 year old man about his penis. I wanted to talk to a 7 year old boy who had seen other little boys at the urinal and wondered why the slight difference. Fifteen year olds are asking for different reasons. They are asking because of grown-up reasons and......SEX! Probably Sex! He has his first girlfriend and now he wants to know about his penis. I'm freaking gay! What do I know about penises anyway?!

"Gee son, why do you want to know?"

"Well mom, do you have any idea how ugly most girls find an uncircumsized penis?"

And there it was. He was showing multiple teenage women his penis. He was a pervert. A sex addict. A guy. He wanted girls to look at his penis. He obviously thought about it- probably a lot. He would never have a job, a career, go to college- no, he would be too busy having girls stare at his penis- and maybe other things as well.

"Son, why would a girl be looking at your penis?"

"C'mon mom, you know... oral..."

I think he said more, but my mind snapped at that point. I couldn't think of anything intelligent to do except put my fingers in my ears and shout "la,la,la" repeatedly until he got tired and went to bed. The next morning, after thinking all night and realizing that I had handled it SO wrong- I decided to revisit the question with more grace. "Son, remember when you asked me why I didn't have you circumsized when you were little?"

"Yeah."

"Well, the real answer is..." I thought and thought, wanting to choose the right words, to be sensitive to his burgeoning sexuality, "your other mom and I thought that if we didn't circumsize you, then when you were this age, you wouldn't be tempted to have random sex."

"What? What do you mean?"

"Well, like you said, those things are pretty ugly uncircumsized, so I guess you'll have to wait until some girl is so in love with you, that the look of your... your... teenie (the name he called his penis when he was four) won't make her run away in fear. I mean, there is an operation they can do now, but I hear it hurts a lot and for a long, long, time- better to just wait for the right girl to come along."

Okay, looking back I am not proud of what I did, and yes, my son will need counseling, but someone should really tell all new moms that this day will come not at seven or eight, but at an age where grandchildren are an eminent possibility. I will make it up to him, correct our first encounter around his sexual awakening- when he's 35 or so.