I am probably being watched by the FBI as we speak. I may even show up on DATELINE or 20/20, maybe my computer might even be seized. I have committed the unpardonable sin. I have just watched porn on the internet.
It won't matter that I didn't mean to. It won't matter that I thought I was responding to something totally different and then, well, admittedly, I got caught up- but not for the porn. No, before I show up on the news and they take away my laptop, children, goat and rubber boots--just wanted to see if you were paying attention- I don't have a laptop- aha, kidding again! I don't have a goat or rubber boots! But, before all of that happens, I would like to explain to you, my loyal readers, and to make sure you don't fall into the circumstances that I did.
I answered an email. Short and simple I answered an email about "so-and-so wants to be your friend". This is not shocking. I write a blog, I belong to facebook, every-so-often I get someone wanting to be my friend. I'm not a creep! I have several internet friends. Of course I don't answer the ads that say "chacha lala wants to be your sexy friend" or any ad like that. I have been around the block once or twice- or so I thought. But this was different. This threw me. For when I responded to the email, it opened up to a page covered in black with tiny white writing that went on forever. Now, if you know me, you know I have ADD in a bad, bad way. Please don't put tiny white writing on black paper and then right next to it put glossy face shots of "potential friends in your area". I can't follow all of that and will opt out for the pictures every time. Still... before I really got to the pictures I noticed something else- WEBCAM.
I am not a computer guru, I barely know how to turn one on, let alone what all the gadgets, bells and whistles are, still, through the years I have been able to learn to navigate the basics on these little beasties- but, now there's webcams... little cameras that can pick up people across the globe and feature them on your laptop. I knew this because my sister's kids all have webcams which they use to "visit" with my mom and dad. What a great idea, and now, right here at this friendship site, my new potential friends are all on webcam so I can see them before I even talk to them. What open and friendly people! I clicked on the first name and...
Holy crap! Im2fun4u doesn't realize that he is on camera with his fly down!! I can see him reading his monitor, but he has no idea his webcam is accidentally pointed toward his private air strip!! And then, if that wasn't bad enough, his hand comes in for a landing!! I start shouting out "Hey, 2fun, your camera has slipped down! We can't see your face, but guess what we can see!! Your fly is open- with your hand in it!! Then, 2fun does the unthinkable and whips out his...glider? I don't know what to call it. All I can tell you was I felt sorry for this poor guy, wait until someone tells him- he's going to die of embarrassment.
I go to another "friend" her name is YolandafromArizona. Yolanda is bookkeeping when I click on her webcam- I can see her from across the room. She is working at an old oak rolltop desk just like the one my father has. There is a Steven Hanks picture on the wall just like the one my ex has. Hey, I wonder what else this woman has that I have seen before. I am looking around her room as she is very busy with her back to me- when she turns around.... SHE HAS NO FRONT SHIRT ON! It was a shirt with a back only and the front is completely cut out and there they are, the girls! Just like the girls my mom has! Now, it is starting to dawn on me. Once, a horrible mistake. Twice- not so much.
I click on my third webcam- a man in his 30's who obviously lives with his mother. He is doing things to himself in rapid fashion, but I could care less about that, I am more interested in where his mom might be. I can see a very clean kitchen behind him. He is sitting on a couch with a hand crocheted afghan like the kind my sister makes and a picture of Jesus is above the kitchen doorway. It looks like tollhouse cookies are piled up on the counter and I wonder if mom has gone to the store or if she is out visiting the sick and infirm. The young man is wearing no shirt but has a nice haircut. He looks like a mama's boy. Good thing mama doesn't have a laptop and doesn't answer emails from potential friends. I love the house. It is warm, comforting, and very light and cheery.
The next cam features a couple that gets on and off the bed like those german weather clocks. You know, when it's stormy the man with the umbrella comes out, and when it's sunny, the little kids. Well, these two are just remarkable, first he hangs out touching himself and she gets up and goes into another room- I fantasize about where she is. Is she getting cool-aide? Watching a soap opera? Reading the obituaries? Then she comes back and he is gone. Where is he now? Perhaps he's getting dressed for work. What does he do? Is he a postman, a constable in Amsterdam? Is he walking the dog?
The following websites just bring more questions. There is a woman who is smoking, but only looks to be in her late 20's. Surely she knows the consequences of chain smoking during sex. Then there is the man dressed in fishnets- he has a very nice chair that he is tied up to. It looks to be maple and probably from the early 19th century. I think I saw the chair on Antique Roadshow, but I can't be sure. One site features someone making pancakes- in an apron with no butt- and "home of the whopper" written on the front, while another website features a very portly man probably also masterbating, but who could tell. He was in a lovely den with beautiful tiffany style lamps- truly a lovely sight to behold.
Before I knew it, I had toured homes all over the U.S and Europe and spent 3 HOURS ON A PORN SIGHT?! I didn't even realize it, but I'm sure the FBI does. How do I explain to them that I, in fact, was more fascinated by what the bed was made of than what was going on in it, that I liked seeing the rolltop desk more than seeing the rolled down top on the woman, and that the thrill of the day for me was to see that mom's house in NJ (unless there was no other occupant in which case that young guy really has problems). So, now you know the whole sordid story. And the worst part is, I'd like to see their other rooms.
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