So, this recession has seemed to put a real damper on a lot of people's festive lifestyles. A prime example- mine. I didn't know how seriously it would affect me until a few days ago. Now as I sit, inside my unlit car, which I have hidden under a pile of tree limbs, tinfoil on my head, trying to bang this out on a laptop before it becomes light and they find me- well, consider it my legacy to you. Suzie Ormon was right!
It all started like this: I called the bank the other day, to address a credit card issue that had appeared in writing on my doorstep. Apparently a new policy in which the credit card company can jack your credit card percentage up as high as they want, give you 30 days notice, and unless you read this print about a millimeter of a centimeter big and call to "opt out", well, heck, they can just put the extra charged interest on your next month's bill. Furthermore, if you had a promotional balance that was some ridiculously low rate and was good for the life of the loan, again, they can change those terms too- this time, they can raise the minimum payment percentage (did I say raise? Silly me, I meant DOUBLE PLUS) and poof- what you are expecting to pay, is but a mere drop in the bucket!
Is it just me, or have other people drawn the same conclusions that I have? I did a little figuring and realized that the postage, paper, manpower, writers fees, and ink that it took to send these little irritating notices to people cost... well roughly... about what the Federal Government gave them out of our future tax penalties as a BAIL OUT!!! Anyway, as I said, I called the bank the other day to "opt out" and a very nice man, with an accent I could not define, informed me that if I chose to "opt out" my credit limit would be lowered to exactly the amount that I owed on the card at that time, but yes I could choose that option. "You would lower my credit line by $19,000.00?" I asked incredulously. "I am so sorry, ma'am," he offered, "but it is now the way we do business." He started to speak but gunfire in the background stopped his sentence.
"Would you mind if I moved to another room?" he asked me, not giving any explanation for the screaming and groaning I heard in the background.
"No, go right ahead," I offered, feeling a bit concerned.
"May I suggest," his familiar voice said just a few moments later, "that you consider consolidating other debts onto this card and then opting out. That way you will receive the low interest rate on the other high percentage rates that you currently have balances on."
"I really don't have anything else charged right now," I said to him.
"What about those underwear you bought yesterday, and that IPOd shuffle you got for your sisters upcoming 60th birthday," he offered.
"Well, I intended to pay those off-" wait a minute, how did he know about my sisters birthday IPOD?
Suddenly a torturous scream resounded through the phone lines. "Excuse me quickly" he said in his broken English, he laid down the phone roughly forgetting to put it on MUZAK. I was privy to everything on the line.
The Man: "You will sign this agreement or you will never see your little dog again, do not toy with my credit specialists, they have ways of making you comply with the terms outlined in your agreement."
A woman's voice: "But, I didn't agree to those terms. This was a pre-approved credit card. I don't want it!"
The Man: "Oh, you want it alright, you want it bad... and you're going to get it, too... but at 28% interest compounded!"
The Woman: "Noooo, please, for God's sake, Noooo!"
The Man: "It's no use begging! You opened the mail, you used the card. You are mine now!
The Woman: "But, I didn't see the fine print! Please, just let me go, I promise I will pay the whole thing off and pretend this never happened. I swear I won't tell a soul."
The Man: "No. I would like to let you go, but this is a war zone- we can't afford to have one escapee- not one exception. Guido, you know what to do, now make her sign the new terms."
The woman screams and the man picks up the phone and calls out.
"Hello, I am sorry for the delay, I was checking with my supervisor. We would like you to come in for a personal visit. We are local now, as you know, as we have taken over your old bank. We are excited to meet you and would like to show you what we have to offer- our new terms are sure to excite you. Can you come in tomorrow?
I made some excuse and got off of the phone quickly. I packed a light bag intending to get out of Dodge- I don't know how far I will get, you see, my money is all tied up at the bank. The same bank where my credit card company now resides. I can't fill my gas tank, get a motel, or eat. I am heading toward the mountains- to live off the land- until this all blows over or Congress passes a bill stopping this torture of innocent people. It started out as just a line of credit and an ATM card.....
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